16 weeks

16 weeks
How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain: none
Maternity clothes: Pants are all maternity and shirts are about 50/50
Sleep: Getting better but still trying to teach myself to sleep on my side (I'm a stomach sleeper)
Best moment this week: I got our Christmas cards in the mail that we ordered...they are our big announcement!! I will be sending them out Monday after our 16 week appt.
Movement: yup - for a week weeks now...favorite part of my day
Food cravings: I wish i had a craving so that there was something I enjoyed eating but so far haven't found anything I like
Gender: don't know...but my gut is telling me another boy
Labor Signs: Nope
Belly button: no change
What I miss: not really anything
What I am looking forward to: announcing this pregnancy next week (I am showing enough that people we see on a regular basis know but we haven't made the BIG announcement)
Milestones: We reached the second trimester and are finally able to admit that this is happening!!

Will I ever learn??

Well I let it go too far..

Five years ago, when we were TTC the first time around, I made a promise that if I was ever blessed with a pregnancy, I would NOT complain about being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Jr. I took that a little too seriously and unfortunately ended up with pretty severe pre-eclampsia because I neglected to tell my Dr. the symptoms, I was having. I just thought you were supposed to feel that crappy when you were 9 months pregnant and I didn't want to be the pregnant lady who complained.

Well fast forward to now and nausea has become my worst enemy. I am almost 16 weeks and it has actually gotten MUCH worse in the second trimester instead of better. But I didn't complain, I didn't talk about it...I just quietly threw up and went about my day. I didn't want to be one of those "pregnant ladies" who couldn't handle the sickness and went on drugs that could potentially hurt their baby just so they didn't get sick. Well apparently I should have done something sooner becuase I have now earned myself a trip to the hospital to get hooked up to an IV becuase I am so dehydrated. My doctor has started me on Zofran and told me I HAD to take it every 8 hours until I go into the office again on MOnday, even if I don't think I need...they don't really trust me to decide if I "need" it or not.

Once again I have let the issues I have felt while I watched other people pregnant affect the health and well-being of myself and more importantly this baby...will I ever learn my lesson??

once an infertile, always an infertile

ok, I know I'm been off the radar, I've been using my computer time to keep up with your blogs but just haven't updated mine. The pregnancy seems to be going well. I had another OB appointment two weeks ago and heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was in the low 160s and the dr. instantly predicted girl but he did the same thing with my son so I definitely won't be going out to buy pink based on that.

We told our parents around 9-10 weeks. They had already assumed we were pregnant since we hadn't told them the cycle didn't work but they did a good job of respecting our privacy and being patient for the announcement while we processed the news ourselves. Since my ob appointment was a couple of days before Thanksgiving we went ahead and told our families at Thanksgiving the news and will be announcing it to extended families and friends in our Christmas cards.

So I was finally starting to feel like a normal pregnant person. I wasn't scared everytime I went to the bathroom that I was bleeding, I could actually talk about the baby as a definite occurence instead of saying, "if everything works out," and yes, I could let people congratulate me...but then there was Saturday.

Saturday, we had a bunch of people at our house for a family birthday party. I have been so stressed out about this that I haven't been sleeping and the lack of sleep and stress have made my nausea worse. So you can imagine the fabulous mood I was already in, and then my sister announced her pregnancy. I should be happy, I should be thrilled..our babies will only be a couple of weeks apart...maybe even days...so why did I find myself upstairs in my room crying?

Even though I'm pregnant, pregnancy announcements (especially surprise ones that I didn't see coming) are still hard for me. Is this what I will be dealing with the rest of my life? Will I always be jealous of people who get pregnant easily? Will I always walk into a family event or party and play "guess the pregnant lady" so I can be prepared before the announcement actually happens? I'm beginning to think the answer is yes.

10 weeks

How far along? 10 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: If I consider my base weight what I weighed the day of my BFP instead of my pre-cycle weight then I still haven't gained any weight.
Maternity clothes: Wore my first skirt on Saturday and gradually getting everything else washed
Sleep: Getting better but still trying to teach myself to sleep on my side (I'm a stomach sleeper)
Best moment this week: energy is starting to return
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: I wish i had a craving so that there was something I enjoyed eating but so far haven't found anything I like
Gender: don't know...but my body is changing VERY differently than it did with my boy so girl?? or hormones??
Labor Signs: Nope
Belly button: no change
What I miss: coke zero
What I am looking forward to: hearing the heartbeat soon
Milestones: Placenta is starting to take over and we are done with PIO shots

A week to remember

This week marked the due date of "Fred," our little embryo from IVF #1 who we lost to an ectopic. I have wondered for the last several months how I would feel as this day approached. I expected it to be hard. i expected to focus on what I had lost...but instead I found myself focusing on what I had. I will always wonder about what could have been, was it a boy or a girl? Would he/she have looked like Jr. But at the same time, if I was holding that baby in my arms today, I wouldn't have the baby growing inside me right now. This baby is the one I will feel kick inside of me. This baby is the one that is supposed to come home with us. This baby is the one that I am supposed to hold in my arms. This is the baby I will watch grow up.

The 3 week wait

Yup..the dreaded 3ww...until my next appointment. I had my first OB appointment on Thursday. Everything went great and we saw the baby and the heartbeat again. Our doctor has a little US machine in the exam room that he uses for each appointment during the first trimester and only charges you for the big nice ultrasond if there is a problem. The downside of this is the machine isn't great so it is hard to see a good picture but I've found that I'm so used to ultrasounds now that I can see them much better than I could when I was pregnant with Jr. The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful...since this is my second pregnancy with them they already have all the family information, know I don't have any crazy bad habits, etc. So we just updated information, took blood and got my initial weight.
But the bad news is now that I am officially an OB patient means I am on a normal schedule...appointment every 4 weeks instead of every week :(. The good news for me was that 4 weeks from my appointment was Thanksgiving so I was able to move it up to the Monday of that week so I only have to wait 3 and a half weeks for that appointment.
There was a little "incident" on the way home but I'll save that for its own post!

Baby Steps

So I'm making baby steps towards acceptance that this might actually be the real thing.
You may remember that after my ectopic, I was lucky enough to lose several pounds. As soon as I got off the hormones and got some energy the weight just melted off. As a result, I was down to an 8 and almost a 6. During my cancelled FET and subsequent surgery, I gained a few of the pounds back and ended up firmly in the 8s.
I was still in my 8s throughout the Lupron and estrogen but within a week after my transfer, I was so bloated, I had no choice but to go back to the 10s which is where I still am today. I don't need maternity clothes yet but I know I won't see those 8s for awhile. So tonight, I packed them all up. While I was at it, I packed up the 10 capris and shorts. Afterall, I'm going to need some room in the closet and dresser.
So it's a baby step...if I make a couple of these everyday, soon I will reach acceptance and can begin to get excited.

Graduated!!

Do you hear pomp and circumstance playing in the background??

So today was my last RE appointment. I was supposed to have my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning but Monday night I ended up having some bleeding. It wasn't much but was on my underwear and was definitely red. Becuase of the spotting they had me come in Tuesday morning for the ultrasound and get my progesterone checked again (last week it was only 10.5). The good news is the ultrasound went great. I was still measuring right on track and the hb had gone up to 145 bpm. My progesterone was the highest it's been at 16.5! The bad news is that they have no cause for the bleeding so they said just to take it easy and call if it happened again.

So this morning's appointment just consisted of hugs and congratulations. They made me promise to send pictures and bring the baby in to meet everyone. I got my medicine weaning instructions and was told that as long as I don't have any more bleeding I can lift all restrictions (lifting, sex, etc.) at 9 weeks.

I think the appointment was really good for me. I've had such a hard time accepting that this could actually happen that having my doctor, nurses, and even the receptionist congratulating me and sending me off was really a confidence booster for me. I'm hoping this is the confidence I need to tell a few more people. Thus far, have told a few close friends who have been through this with me step by step but we haven't told our parents or siblings.

So this is a huge step...crazy to think that I am just a few days away from being 8 weeks pregnant! Next step...my first ob appointment is a week from Thursday.

Can she make us look worse??

I was scanning the headlines today when I saw one that said, "Nadya Suleman Still has 29 Frozen Embryos"
WHATTT??? I thought the whole reason she put so many in was becuase she was using up all her frozen embryos. Nope, not the case. She apparently didn't plan on some of these details coming out but that is what is happening since her doctor is having to go in front of the medical board. I guess she has never used her frozen embryos and does a fresh cycle each time.
Now I am not going to go into a moral argument here. While I personally believe in using up our embryos before doing another cycle, it is her decision BUT the more she is in the news, the more people think we are ALL like her.
In all my reading of fertility blogs, I'm not sure I have ever read of anyone having over 20 frozen embryos...most of us who are lucky enough to have frozen embryos probably have less than 5. And we don't have 14 children. Unfprtuantely though, Nadya Suleman is the current face of IVF and it is making us all look very very bad.


Sorry I just needed to vent...
Oh and don't even get me started on the transfer of 12 embryos...

We have a heartbeat!!

Today's ultrasound went well. Heartbeat was measuring at 118 bpm and everything looked good.
The baby is measuring at 6w 3 days which I of course freaked out about since last week the measurement was 5 w 5 days but the ultrasound tech assured me that it was fine and 1) I was still ahead of where they say I should be 6 w 2 d and 2) last week they measured the sac and this week the baby so the measurements were based on two different things.
They took my progesterone again since I had dipped a little low last week but since I didn't go in until noon they won't have those results until tomorrow.
So I go in for one more ultrasound and my exit appt. next Wednesday. They told me to go ahead and make an appointment with my OB for the week after that. Since my OB does ultrasounds on the first visit that means I will get to see this little baby the next two weeks to make sure everything is still going ok.
Can't believe we have made it this far...

4 more hours...

until our next ultrasound! And we should hopefully see a heartbeat today!!

We had an ultrasound last Wednesday and everything was looking good. They told me I should be 5 weeks 2 days, I figured I was 5 weeks 4 days but the ultrasound measured 5 weeks 5 days so either way we were ahead of the game :) According to my dating, I should be 6 weeks 4 days today. My progresterone is still borderline to where it should be so they will be checking that today and hopefully it will have gone up so we can stop the bloodwork.

Sorry I didn't update sooner but between the extreme exhaustion and Jr. not napping well, I'm not getting much computer time lately. I am starting to get some bouts of nausea, especially late in the afternoon and around dinner. This was exactly the time I had it with Jr. I'm trying to remember to eat more in the morning and at lunch to keep my stomach fuller and then it doesn't affect me as much. But then of course if I don't feel as sick, I freak out that the symptom is gone.

So, hopefully, I can stay sane the next few hours. Jr. has a class and I'm hoping to run some errands so we aren't sitting around the house watching the minutes tick by on the clock...

beta #2

624!!

Since the two tests were only 44 hours apart (instead of 48) that means my doubling time was just over 38 hours...not too bad :)

Unfortunately, I did have some clotty bleeding on Monday night. I called Tuesday morning and they said not to worry about it too much since it had stopped. I haven't had any since then and am trying to stay reassured that that my numbers still did what I wanted them to do even with the bleeding.

Since I had a good test, I don't get to go back for a week :( I'll have an ultrasound and more bloodwork on Wednesday...better start figuring out ways to keep myself busy!!

cautiously optimistic

It's official...I'm pregnant!!

My beta wasn't scheduled until Thursday and I knew there was no way I would hold off testing until then. I debated about testing last Friday but we were headed out of town for the weekend and I wanted to live in blissful ignorance and enjoy our little mini-vaca. So about a week ago, I decided today would be the day. I didn't buy any tests until last night to keep myself from cheating earlier and I must have woken up 10 times overnight. By about 3, I had to pee but wouldn't let myself get up and go so I had the best "morning sample."

I took the test about 7:30 this morning and it instantly turned postive (used a FRER). The test line was at least as dark as the control line maybe darker. The phone lines at the RE don't open for non-emergencies until 9 so I called then and asked if I could move up my beta to tomorrow. They asked me if I wanted to come in today but Jr. had a class until a little after 10 and I knew 10:30 is the cut-off time. They told me they would hold off pickup until 11 if I wanted to come by so I jumped on the offer and had my beta this morning.

After anxiously waiting all afternoon, I got my first number...284!!! I got the official congratulations and even a congratulatory e-mail from our doctor. I go back on Wednesday for the next number...praying we get another good one...I don't know how I can go through what we did in March again.

So for now, we are cautiously optimistic. With the ectopic back in March, it took me 2 weeks to get a number this high, but I know we still have a long way to go.

Thanks to everyone for that happy thoughts and prayers during this 2ww!!

PUPO

I am officially pregnany until proven otherwise!!

This morning we transferred one of our frozen babies. The thaw went well so they only had to thaw one which means we still have 3 left.
The decision to do one was pretty easy after our last transfer. I did technically get pregnant from that even if it was an ectopic so we think we have a great chance with 1. If not, we will do 2 next time.

For now, I am chilling out and watching TV and movies. So far I watched the Back-up Plan (good post transfer movie don't you think) and now I'm watching the 19th wife that I recorded earlier in the week.

Oh and I also watched As the World Turns becuase it is ending this week!! I grew up on that show!! After I gave up naps when I was 3 my mom let me have "quiet" time on the couch after lunch and we watched As the World Turns. As soon as I went to school I would come home and ask her what I missed...crazy, I know. I watched it in summers through college and here and there afterwards but hadn't watched it in probably 4 years. So the scary thing is...after watching it today...I wasn't lost at all! There is the world of soaps for you!

Less than 36 hours...

...until our transfer. So yes, the last i posted we were trying the day 21 Lupron start to hope that we could still do a September cycle. We tried that and it worked!! We could have done the transfer as early as last week but we decided to squeeze in one more vacation for the year and head to Florida!! We got to see the new Harry Potter stuff at Universal and just spend some time relaxing. One HUGE negative about the trip...Lupron hot flashes on the beach are NO fun.

We added in the Estrogen on Aug. 28 and quit the Lupron and started my PIO shots on Saturday! I've been in for acu and adjustments a couple of times and go once more tomorrow night.

So now I am ready. I'm still a little unsure that this will actually happen after our cancelled July transfer but I'm trying to stay confidant.

Wish me luck!!

Day 21 Lupron Start

AF still hasn't arrived so we are moving on to Plan B. I e-mailed my nurse coordinator Friday to see if there was anyway a September transfer was still possible and she suggested a Day 21 Lupron Start. This still isn't a for sure thing, but it was the only possibility we had left. I went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork this morning to verify that I have already ovulated and will start Lupron tonight. If AF comes in time ( I'm still waiting to find out what that date is) we can still do a September transfer, if it doesn't, then we will do an October transfer instead. Either way, I'm back on Lupron tonight...can't wait to see what drug induced tantrums I throw this time...

a confession

I have a confession to make...I watch Teen Mom.
I'm not sure which show bugs me more...Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant...but since I set the DVR to only record new episodes it is Teen Mom that I am currently watching.

There is a part of me that wants to rant and rave about how unfair it is that these girls were able to get pregnant so easily but really, I'm not jealous, I pity them. If I could trade getting pregnant easily for their lives there is NO way I would make that trade. Sometimes I need to remind myself about the good things in life instead of focusing on this one hardship of infertility. So instead of listing all the negative things I think about while watching this show, instead I am going to list 10 reasons (in no particular order) why I love my life and don't want to trade!!

1) I have a fabulous husband who is supportive or me and loves me unconditionally.

2) I have a beautiful little boy who loves to give me kisses, hugs and cuddles.

3) I was able to make education a priority and now have a bachelors and masters degree.

4) I am one of the lucky ones to be financially stable enough to stay home with my son

5) I have loving and supportive parents who have always been there for me

6) I have a roof over my head and know where I will be sleeping every night

7) My husband and I are financially independent and debt free (except for our mortgage)

8) I was able to enjoy my childhood and early adulthood. I used this time to learn who I am and want I want out of life.

9) I have fabulous friends who are always there for me and many of them have been there for 15-20 years already.

10) I am healthy and my family is healthy. Yes, I have this whole infertility thing but it is not endangering my life. Overall, I am a healthy person.


As a disclaimer, I am not telling any of you that you shouldn't complain about the show or your own infertility problems...this list was for me...a reminder for me of what I should be thankful for!!

over under

Over the past year, we have realized that there is one word that Dr. RE use a LOT!! He uses it so much that W and I have started making bets on how many times during each visit he will use the word.
So are you curious?? Do you want to know what the word is??
Well it's
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PENETRATION

Yup - you would think that once you have moved on to IUIs and especially IVF that you wouldn't need to use the word penetration with your Dr., and yet he manages to use it every time...multiple times...

It gives us something to laugh about when we get home...and you know...isn't that what we all need when we leave that office...something to smile and laugh about :)

one year ago today....(second post of day)

One year ago today, we went in for our first consult with Dr. RE.
The initial meeting went well. He thought we were a pretty easy case and told us as much. Afterall, I was 29, had gotten pregnant with little intervention before, responded to Clomid well, and didn't have any obvious problems...he seemed extremely confidant that I would be pregnant in less than three months...

So for fun, I went through our insurance records to see what we did in this past year. (The scary party is as high as these numbers are...I even took a 3 month break.)

36 Blood draws (most of these took 2-3 sticks to find the vein)
17 regular vaginal ultrasounds
2 saline ultrasounds
7 IUIs (over 4 cycles)
2 doses of methotrexate
1 IVF retrieval
1 IVF transfer
1 lap surgery
5 Dr. Consults (not counting times we were in the office for other reasons)
1 ectopic pregnancy

I wonder what the next year will hold...

Waiting...

We are in a holding pattern.

Last week we met with Dr. RE to discuss how the discovery of endometriosis might change any upcoming cycles. Dr. OB mentioned that Dr. RE might want to treat the endo with Lupron for 6 months before proceeding with anything. When we met with Dr. RE he was very optimistic. He explained how the discovery of the endo and where it was gives a very probable explanation as to why the natural cycles and IUIs didn't work. But as of now since we have already moved to IVF, he felt we didn't need to treat it for now. His exact words were "Pregnancy is the best thing you can do for endo so let's get you pregnant!"

He said we can start again as soon as we are ready. So now we are just anxiously awaiting my period so that we can get going again. If it comes within the next week we will still have time to do a September transfer but if it comes after that we will have to wait for October. Either is fine with us, but I am anxious to get going again...

Home and recovering

Still a little out of it and nauseous so this is going to be short...

Surgery was today, I didn't get to a chance to talk to my doctor so all of this is coming from my husband. I have several unanswered questions especially about #3 and I will hopefully get to talk to both my ob and my RE in the next several days about everything.

1) Tied left tube - tried to remove it but it was too connected to the left ovary. Will probably have to have it removed when we are done TTC.

2) Right tube looked fine for now.

3) Found endo. They removed what they could but may need drug therapy for 3-6 months before we can continue.

Going back to bed now...

What happened??

Does anyone know what happened to the Cutest Blog on the block? I see a note that I am going to lose my background on Friday and noticed the same thing on several other sites I visited today.
This is the only background site I have used, does anyone have one they would recommend?

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! This is my third time participating - I can't wait to meet new people and find some great new blogs to add to my list. If you are visiting my blog for the first time, you will find that I pretty much only write about our infertility. I have an IRL blog that talks about our life, our son, etc. and frankly I don't have time to write about it twice. This is an anonymous blog...that isn't becuase of you. I'm not worried about you finding out who I am, I am worried about people IRL finding out about the blog. I started this blog becuase I felt like most people IRL didn't want to hear what I really was thinking or feeling. If they hurt my feelings or make me mad, I want to be able to write about it without fearing they may find out.

If this is your first time here, my husband (W) and I are trying to get pregnant with our second child. We had our son (Jr.) in 2007 with the help of Clomid and began trying again in June of 2008. So far we have done 5 natural cycles with Clomid, 3 Clomid IUIs, 1 Clomid/Follistim IUI and 1 IVF. I did get pregnant from the IVF however we found out at 6 weeks that it was an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. Becuase of the Methotrexate used for the ectopic...we had to take a 3 month break from TTC. We were supposed to do a FET last week but at one of my last ultrasounds before the transfer they found some problems with my left tube. My cycle was cancelled and I am having surgery on Friday. We are hoping to try the FET again in September or October.

I've reached it...

First, before I start, I KNOW that my current troubles in no way can come close to comparing to some of the things many of you have been through or are going through and I know that I still have several things going for me but that being said...after 2 years and 1 month of being reasonably positive...

I AM BITTER!!

I AM MAD!!

I am mad that instead of getting to enjoy my last pregnancy, to bring home a beautiful miracle baby, I instead spent several weeks trying to make it go away. And then once I finally was done with my break and ready to move on and try again, spent four weeks in Lupron induced screaming and crying fits, my cycle was cancelled and I found out that my pregnancy not only ended badly...it killed my fallopian tube.

I know part of this is just nervousness about the surgery. I am nervous about what they will find when they get in there. Am I only losing one tube...or both? What if the surgery finds other things wrong? What if the surgery causes more problems?

I'm looking forward to getting through this and being back on the TTC road again...hopefully sooner rather than later...

sorry i need to vent...

ok, I have ready several blogs over the past few years about how hard it is to read about pregnancies on facebook. For me, it depends on the person but in general I don't mind them too much. Afterall, I plaster my facebook page with my pictures and stories of Jr. I post about what is important to me and I think they should definitely post about their pregnancy. My view on this is changing with two of my facebook friends. They do nothing by COMPLAIN about their pregnancies. These are mutual friends so they feed on each other and just go on and on and on about how horrible it is. I as well as other people have tried to throw in positive things about being pregnant and we are basically told to "shut up." They have used words to describe their pregnancies as "tragic, huge sacrifice, miserable, etc." Both of these women planned their pregnancies and have older children so they can't say they didn't want to be pregnant or that they didn't know what they were getting into. I know pregnancy isn't easy...I was sick for 18 weeks and then ended up severly pre-eclampsic but I was never so happy to feel like crap. Why can't people appreciate their blessings and understand how lucky they are??

Cycle Cancelled :(

Well I had my ultrasound on Friday and got bad news. My fallopian tube is still "communicating" (not blocked) with my uterus. Since the fluid from the tube significantly reduces my chances of getting pregnant and if I were to get pregnant (even in IVF) my chances of a miscarriage significanly increases...my cycle was cancelled. Four weeks of Lupron induced tantrums for nothing...

My surgery is scheduled for Friday, July 23. Assuming everything goes well and the timeing of my period, our transfer got pushed back to September or October. The good news is that this is going to get taken care of and when we do get back on track we should have a better chance of this working!!

I have my pre-op appointment on Thursday and will know more about the surgery then and will post all about it :)

The best laid plans...

If you were to ask me what infertility has taught me, I would tell you that one thing is that I have learned that you can not "plan" your life. I have had to learn to take things as they come and figure it out as I go...However, if I had really learned this lesson, I would not have been surprised when we ran into a problem today.

Today's ultrasound was supposed to be pretty routine...I was just supposed to make sure the added estrogen was working and make sure I was set for Tuesday's transfer.
Well we did get that question answered and found other stuff as well...

Good News: Added Estrogen worked and my lining had increased from 5.6 to 7.2

Bad News: My left Fallopian tube is completely filled with fluid and "dead." the official term for this is Hydrosalpinx. It was most likely caused my my ectopic pregnancy. So...I have a saline ultrasound scheduled for Friday. If the saline, stays in my uterus and everything looks normal, I can proceed with Tuesday's transfer BUT if some of the saline goes into the tube then the transfer is cancelled and instead I will be having surgery to at the least "tie" the tube or depending on how it looks, possibly remove it. It is just a waiting game until Friday...

So...
1) Has anyone had this before?
2) Since there is a possibility that this condition "sucks" things from the Uterus, do you think this was caused by the ectopic or that the problem with my tube, caused the ectopic??

Just when you think you've done everything...

Hi everyone!!
Sorry it has been a week again since my last post. We are just having WAY too much fun this summer for me to spend time on the computer. When I do have time, I am trying to read your blogs instead of writing mine. I know I haven't made too many comments lately but I promise you I have been reading. I have a week of taking it easy next week after my transfer so I'm sure you will get sick or me then!!

Anyway...

This story may have a little TMI...but I'm sure you will get a laugh...

Last Friday, I had to go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork. It turns out my Estrogen was borderline low. My lining was 5.4 and they wanted it between 6 and 10 and my estrogen was 94 and they wanted it at least 100. The nurse said she and the doctor weren't too worried but just to be safe they wanted me to go on another form of estrogen. She said she was going to put me on Estrace. I told her I had done that before and then when she mentioned I was doing it vaginally I didn't think we needed to go into details that I had done it orally before. She told me to insert one in the morning and one in the evening. She called it in to the pharmacy and W picked it up. When W got it home and I looked at it...it was just a bottle of pills and instructions to insert one tablet vaginally twice a day....so of course my thought...

"AND JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IT UP THERE???"

This is when my I know everything about infertility and infertility meds attitude get a little reality check. After all, I have been taking meds "vaginally" for years...I couldn't imagine that this one would have been any different!! Since I really didn't want to call the pharmacist and ask the above question I decided to ask Dr. Google. I went through all the key words I could think of....estrogen, vaginal, tablet, estrace, etc. Everything that came involved rings or applicators...there were no instructions on putting a tablet of your hoo ha.

When Dr. Google didn't help, I called a good friend of mine who is a pharmacist. She happens to work for the same chain that I picked this up from so I figured she could help...but did she answer the phone...of course not!!

I was left with no choice but to call the pharmacist. As soon as I said my name, the tech started laughing and said they weren't surprised that I called. "What?? You knew I might have questions and you didn't try to explain anything to W when he picked it up??" So they explain that when the Nurse called and said what strength they wanted, they didn't have it in a vaginal form so the nurse wanted me to take the oral estrace vaginally. The pharmacist then basically told me that they did their part by filling the prescription but since it was an oral tablet they didn't have an applicator or anything for me...lovely :)

So that night, my husband and I brainstormed...I'm sure someone would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for this conversation. After several suggestions we decided I should try the applicator from my endometrin (progesterone). It was a great idea but since the Estrace pull is so little (less than 1/4 " diameter) the tablet wouldn't come out of the applicator. So I used my finger and did my best to get it as high as I could.

The next morning, my pharmacist friend called me back and told me that there were applicators the pharmacist should have given me...great...but she suggested using a monistat applicator. So I picked up a Monistat 7 and tried that. It worked great the first time, but the second time, it got stuck. So after trial and error, I finally have a system that works...

1) Put tablet in Monistat Applicator
2) Insert Applicator while standing
3) Lay down with legs in the air and push in applicator plunger
4) Remove plunger

Oh and did I mention that the pill is greenish/blue so you end up with green discharge...yup...lovely.

I think I can add this as another reason I would love to just get drunk one night...have sex...and wake up pregnant :)

I go back tomorrow to see if it is working!!

Two weeks!!

So as of today I'm entering the two week wait...not the normal two week wait...but two weeks from today is my FET!! I am feeling so positive about this cycle!! For the first time since we started TTC over two years ago, I am thinking that this might actually happen!!

Saturday, I lowered my dose of Lupron and started the Estrogen patches and baby aspirin. I go back for another ultrasound and more bloodwork on Friday!!

We are really on our way!!!

Baseline Ultrasound

I had my baseline US and labs this morning. It was the first time I've been back to the RE since my last beta a couple of months ago. I can't say I missed it.
The good news is that is looks like the Lupron is doing it's job and everything is quiet. Assuming my bloodwork all comes back normal, I will be starting the estrogen patches and baby aspirin on Saturday.
Another good news tidbit...I haven't cried for two days!! Well except for during Toy Story 3 (I can't believe how attached I am to Andy and his toys) but W claims I would have cried then without the Lupron. I'm hoping my body is starting to adjust and maybe the mood swings will subside...or else they will get worse when I add in the estrogen :)

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! This is my second time participating and I am very excited - I can't wait to meet new people and find some great new blogs to add to my list. If you are visiting my blog for the first time, you will find that I pretty much only write about our infertility. I have an IRL blog that talks about our life, our son, etc. and frankly I don't have time to write about it twice. This is an anonymous blog...that isn't becuase of you. I'm not worried about you finding out who I am, I am worried about people IRL finding out about the blog. I started this blog becuase I felt like most people IRL didn't want to hear what I really was thinking or feeling. If they hurt my feelings or make me mad, I want to be able to write about it without fearing they may find it.

If this is your first time here, my husband (W) and I are trying to get pregnant with our second child. We had our son (Jr.) in 2007 with the help of Clomid and began trying again in June of 2008. So far we have done 5 natural cycles with Clomid, 3 Clomid IUIs, 1 Clomid/Follistim IUI and 1 IVF. I did get pregnant from the IVF however we found out at 6 weeks that it was an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. Becuase of the Methotrexate used for the ectopic...we had to take a 3 month break from TTC. It was great to take a break from the drugs, the appointments and the stress, but we are at it again. I started Lupron for my FET about a week ago and we are scheduled to transfer on July 13.

I hope you stick around and read some of our journey...

The evils of Lupron

So I started back on the Lupron last Saturday...Unfortunately, I have spent most of the week crying, depressed or screaming at my husband. At least we both know that it is the drugs and not me...but that really doesn't make it easier. I have been so happy and felt great for the past few months that I think it is fitting me even harder this time...wish me luck!!

2 year anniversary

Two years ago today was cycle day 1 of our first cycle trying to conceive our second child. We started this process unbelievably hopefull. Afterall, we had figured it out. Yes, we needed intervention the first time around, but we felt like we now knew what worked and this was going to be a relatively easy process.

Since then...

Countless "timed" cycles
5 Clomid "natural cycles
3 Clomid IUI cycles
1 Clomid/injectible IUI cycle
1 fresh IVF
1 ectopic pregnancy

and WAY too many ultrasounds, blood draws and injections!!

However, through it all, I am still optimistic. Maybe not as much as I was two years ago...and maybe more than I was a year ago...but it is there...

We have a date!!

We are doing our frozen transfer on July 13!! I have started back on the pill and am awaiting the rest of my instructions. I only have to have 2 ultrasounds/appointments before the transfer....can it be this easy???

Why I'm good :)

So in my last post, I told you things were good and I was going to tell you why...three weeks later I am finally sitting down to do that!! Before I go on, I do want to warn some of you that this post is going to talk more about Jr than I normally do and if you just aren't in that place right now...stop reading.

It has been three months since my retrieval and transfer and a little over two months since my second dose of methotrexate. Since then, life here has been wonderful.

When I found out that we were going to have to take a 3 month TTC break I had 3 goals.
1) Focus on my family
2) Lose some weight
3) Be Happy

I feel like I have accomplished these three things and so much more.

Physically - I feel great. I have only lost 5 pounds but I look like I have lost about 15. I had to buy some new clothes and am getting lots of compliments about weight loss. I have my energy back. I can sleep again. It's amazing what happens when you take a few months off of hormone packed drugs. And sorry if this is TMI but my sex drive is back and life in the bedroom has been great. This one I credit to not only the lack of drugs but also for the first time in almost 2 years, sex got to be about fun and not making a baby.

Emotionally - I AM HAPPY!! I am now able to confirm that my anxiety attacks and stress were in large part because of the drugs and the stress of too many doctor appointments. This realization is so important to me becuase I know that I am going to be OK. I was getting so nervous about what long term effects this was all going to have on me but now I see when I pull myself out of the situation I am fine.

Family - We are happy!! For the first time in a long time, my husband and I are focusing 100% on the child we do have instead of losing some of that focus to the children we don't have. I know that the last several months were hard on my son whether he knew it or not and he definitely didn't understand it. But now he has a happy mommy and a calm mommy. The biggest revelation of all though has been that if I never have another child...I will be happy and my family will be happy. We don't need this to be happy. The past two months have proven that to us.

And now that you are all ready to throw up from reading about my happiness, let me just say that i know how fortunate I am and not everyone is in a place to have these feelings. I know that I have a wonderful little boy and I probably would not be as happy about my family if he weren't a part of it. Second, yes I took a break but I am going back to 4 great frozen embryos and the knowledge that although my last embryo may have implanted in the wrong place...I did get pregnant and the odds are with me. If I didn't have all this to go back to, this break would have been much harder.

So for now, I am going to enjoy my last couple of weeks of freedom. We just got back from almost two weeks in Florida and I have a fabulous weekend with a girlfriend planned then it is back to work...I promise you will be hearing from me more often now... It is time to get back in the "zone"...July FET here we come!!

Why I stayed quiet (NIAW)

First of all, sorry I haven't been around. Life is good right now (post about that coming soon) and I am enjoying having fertility (or lack there of) off my mind for a few months.

At the beginning of the week, I started a post about how I was going to handle National Infertility Awareness Week and what I might e-mail and/or post as my facebook status...I never finished it. As far as my "closet" status. When we were trying to get pregnant with Jr. we were very much in the closet. The only people who knew were out immediate families, our bosses and a couple very close friends. Once I got pregnant, I was very open about what it had taken us to conceive. Whenever I told someone I was pregnant, they got the whole story of what it took to get there. Fast forward to trying again. A couple of close friends knew from the beginning and over time more people have found out. Many people know (and several more assume) that we are again down that road...however only a very small amount of people know that we have moved on to IVF. Last year for National Infertility Awareness Week, I was super motivated to get the word out and see what the response would be on facebook and by e-mail. I sent an e-mail and posted on facebook a very generic infertility post and included some of my favorite infertility links. I got a few responses but nothing overwhelming. All year, I had thought about how I would handle the week this year...and it is Friday and I have done nothing. Do I think this week is important?? definitely...Do I think my life would be easier if everyone understood infertility better?? OH yes!! Then Why did I stay quiet??

Judgement.

Since moving on to IUIs and IVFs, I have had two critics. One from within my family and one close friend. These people both base their critisism on the beliefs of the Catholic Church. As a result, the family member has no idea about the IVF or the ectopic pregnancy (Catholic Church views use of Methotrexate to resolve an ectopic as an abortion). I made the mistake of telling my close friend about the ectopic (she knew about the IVF) and she basically told me that this was God punishing me for the IVF. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her since.

I am very at peace with our decision...so at peace that I know this is God's plan for us but I don't handle judgement and someone telling me that God doesn't want me to do this or that it is wrong. I respect people who choose that IVF is not for them but don't tell me it's not right for me.

And so I stayed quiet...

I realize i am perpetuating the problem by doing so and maybe I will work up the nerve to post something before the end of the week (I have 25 hours left).

We have this week for this very reason...and yet I am still scared of it.

zero!!!

We finally made it!! I had my 12th beta yesterday and we are finally down to zero!! It has been a over a month since they told me this pregnancy wasn't viable and over three weeks since my first methotrexate shot to resolve the extopic but we finally made it...this is over!

We have to use protection until June 18 because the methotrexate can cause birth defects if I were to get pregnant on my own. Luckily since I am doing a frozen cycle next I can go ahead and start the birth control pills the beginning of June and still do a July transfer instead of having to wait until after June to start anything.

So for the next couple of months I will be hormone free and not be worrying about weather or not I'm pregnant...I'm actually really looking forward to it. We have a trip to Florida planned in May (to make up for our cancelled ski trip), a family wedding to attend and in a few days I am leaving for a weekend in Boston with some girlfriends. June is going to be here before I know it!!

I probably won't be posting as often over the next couple of months since I'm actually hoping to try to forget I'm infertile during this time but I promise I will still be reading all of your blogs and sending everyone positive thoughts!!

Time

I am less than two months away from my 2 year TTC anniversary. To a non-Iffer that may seem like a really long time but it really seems like it has gone quickly and I know I may have years ahead of me of trying. However a couple of days ago I realized how much can happen in those two years. A facebook friend just announced that she was 4 months pregnant with baby #2. My first thought was wow that was fast...baby #1 won't be one until June but then I realized just how much she has done since I started TTC

begining of June 08 - I start TTC
July 08 - friend gets married
June 09 - baby #1 born
April 10 - 4 months pregnant #2

In less than two years she has gotten married, gotten pregnant, had a baby and is now pregnant again...maybe two years is longer than I thought...

Beta #11...almost done

Well this is several days late but...down to a 5.5!! They told me that if I got my period in the next week then I didn't even have to come back for another test...but today is Monday and my appointment is tomorrow morning so I think I have to go back:(

I'm feeling great! My energy is back and this is the best I've felt in months!! As a result I know I'm behind on reading/commenting on all of your lives since I have been spending my time away from the computer. We had had awesome weather and all I want to do is get outside and be active!! We also hosted Easter over the weekend so that has kept me away from the computer as well but hopefully you will all be hearing from me soon!

Beta 9 and 10

Ok, really, whoever posts about their tenth beta?? I have now had MORE blood draws post IVF than I did pre-IVF...it seems like something is wrong with that!! My poor veins really need a break! It's sad when everyone in the office knows me as the "hard draw" and I think the nurses fight over who has to draw me.

But I digress...we do have some good news.

Monday's Beta was 183 and today's was 86.5!! We have had two good drops and my numbers are well below any danger levels. It really looks like this is finally coming to a close. W is very excited to be able to resume "normal activity." Once I'm officially down to 0, then I get to meet with Dr. J to discuss our plans from here but since I know we will have a break of a few months I'm anxious to get back to exericising and hope to lose a few pounds while I'm hormone free.

And the best news...I don't have to go back until next Wednesday!!!

Last trip to Babies R US

When I was TTC the first time, I really wanted to go to Babies R US just to "look" around. I never got around to it and as months past, W knew it was a good idea to keep me out of that store. He made a new rule that I wasn't allowed in the store until I was pregnant. He knew that there was no way I could handle a trip to the store. When a baby shower rolled around I would hope they were registered at Target and if not, I ordered online from Babies R US.

We celebrated hearing Jr's heartbeat by going to Babies R US and over the next 2 years there were LOTS of trips and thousands of dollars spent in that store. Over the past year, I have made fewer and fewer trips. My "baby" is growing up and just doesn't need anything from that store (besides diapers but I don't buy them there). Over the weekend, we headed to the store for what will probably be our last purchase for awhile. We ordered the toddler rail for Jr's crib. When we bought the crib we never actually planned on using it as a convertible crib becuase we thought we would have another baby before Jr. was ready to use it as a toddler or full size bed but when we realized that it would be over a year now before we would need the crib for another baby, it was time to take that step.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to make that trip...it hasn't been hard in a long time. But now, my baby is growing up and I no longer have a baby. I am back to where I was 4 years ago...longing for a baby and babies r us is just a painful reminder of that.

I love my doctor

...my ob that is...not my RE!!

I think my RE is ok, but in the 9 months that I have been a patient of his and who knows how many trips to the office, I have only met him 5 times (two of which have been in the last couple of weeks becuase of the ectopic pregnancy). I don't doubt his knowledge about infertility and I do think that he will help me achieve a pregnancy...BUT I am simply a name on a chart. When we meet with him, he likes to talk...not listen...and if we do ask for something and he agrees to it, I am sometimes then fighting with the nurses to get it becuase he never shared that information with them.

My OB on the other hand, knows how to listen. I originally started seeing Dr. D when we were approaching our one year TTC mark the first time around. My former OB refused to look further into why I had so much abnormal bleeding and I was upset with a few other things. I loved Dr. D from the minute we walked in the door. He listened and he took action. Throughout the next few months of treatment, I felt that he was always doing what was best for me and continued to listen. During my pregnancy, I felt the exact same way and when I developed complications and had to be induced earlier than I would have liked...I knew I was in good hands.

Last summer, when our time came to move on from Dr. D, I was sad. I had really hoped to be able to stay with him, but he and I both knew there was nothing more he could do for me. Fast forward to last week...when we found out on Wednesday that my numbers had started rising again, we wanted to meet with Dr. D not only for a second opinion on treatment but also to discuss the possibility of surgery since he is the one who would have done it. Twenty minutes after I called, we were sitting in his office talking this out with him. He suggested the second dose and since we trust him so much we took his advice.

Saturday afternoon the phone rang...it was Dr. D checking on me. He knew I was nervous about the shot and especially the side effects and just wanted to make sure I was OK. I couldn't believe he had called...I am not his responsibility right now and yet he still checked in on me...on the weekend. I didn't get a single call from anyone at the office that is supposed to make sure I'm ok...but Dr. D called.

Like I said, I have no intention of leaving my RE but it is things like this that get me even more anxious to get pregnant and be back in my comfort zone.

Welcome ICLWers

Welcome ICLWers! This is my first time participating and I am very excited - I can't wait to meet new people and find some great new blogs to add to my list. If you are visiting my blog for the first time, you will find that I pretty much only write about our infertility. I have an IRL blog that talks about our life, our son, etc. and frankly I don't have time to write about it twice. This is an anonymous blog...that isn't becuase of you. I'm not worried about you finding out who I am, I am worried about people IRL finding out about the blog. I started this blog becuase I felt like most people IRL didn't want to hear what I really was thinking or feeling. If they hurt my feelings or make me mad, I want to be able to write about it without fearing they may find it.

If this is your first time here, my husband (W) and I are trying to get pregnant with our second child. We had our son (Jr.) in 2007 with the help of Clomid and began trying again in June of 2008. So far we have done 5 natural cycles with Clomid, 3 Clomid IUIs, 1 Clomid/Follistim IUI and 1 IVF. I did get pregnant from the IVF however we found out at 6 weeks that it was an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. Unfortunately this little guy doesn't want to go away, so that is our current struggle. Once my beta numbers are down to zero we have to take a few months off to let my body recover but then we will be doing a FET (probably in July).

I hope you stick around and read some of our journey...

I spoke too soon

Yesterday I had another beta. We were expecting another low score and to get permission to leave on out trip.
Unfortunately, when we got our results back yesterday, we were at a 553 (Monday's was a 502). Not only was the vacation cancelled but we also had to go back for another dose of the methotrexate this morning. We considered going ahead with the surgery instead of a second dose but we were able to meet with my OB before making the decision. I really trust his opinion and although he said he would do the surgery if we wanted it, he suggested the second dose.

Since I always like to look at the positives, I am handling this dose MUCH better than the last dose. Although I was extremely tired I felt good otherwise.

I have another beta on Monday and we'll see where things are then.

Good News...finally

My beta today had dropped into the 500s!! I know that dropping beta scores are not usually something to be happy about it but in this case, it is. It looks like this chapter in my fertility journey is finally coming to an end. If things continue the way they are going I won't need a second shot OR surgery and we may even get to go on our trip this weekend!!

The methotrexate usually takes 5-7 days to work so they were actually expecting my numbers to increase today. The fact that not only my numbers came down but that they came down so much probably means that my body was already starting to take care of this on its own.

Keeping my fingers crossed for good results on Wednesday so I can get the all clear to take a week off and finally put all of this behind us and move on.

I didn't think it could get worse...

I didn't think it could get worse...but I was wrong.

Tuesday's beta was 602...they put me back on my progesterone and told me to come back Friday for another beta and an ultrasound.

I spent hours reading up on what was going on. I was 99% sure that regardless of what was happening, this was still not a viable pregnancy. After all my research I came to the conclusion that it was a blighted ovum/empty sac.

I went in for my ultrasound expecting bad results, but I wasn't expecting what they found. Looks like my little Fred is camped out in my left tube. Yes, we made it into the less than 1% of IVF pregnancies that are ectopic. It was very clear and we could even see the yolk sac. They said that based on how clear it was they couldn't believe I couldn't feel it there. The nurse immeidately went into panic mode. They started drawing all sorts of labs, checking my blood pressure, etc. Dr. J was in a different office that day so he wanted to see us in a couple of hours at the other office. In that time, we had to go to the pharmacy and pick up the Methotrexate that they would use to start ending the pregnancy.

When we met with Dr. J, he couldn't believe the results, he said it really only happens a couple of times a year. We discussed the option of surgery vs the shot. Our biggest fear is that this will drag on for weeks only to end in surgery anyways so maybe we should do the surgery and end it now. He convinced us to give the shot a chance and see what happened. If we needed a second dose, we would then probably do surgery instead.

All my labs came back normal (checked liver, etc.) so they gave me the shot of Methotrexate around 2 and sent us home with very strict instructions to call if we started to feel anything abnormal.

We decided to head out to dinner to get our minds off everything and during dinner I started feeling horrible. I was lightheaded, achy and was shaking. We called the on-call doctor and he said they were normal side-effects of the Methotrexate...fabulous. I didn't sleep much last night and woke up achy and sore this morning...luckily the shaking had stopped.

So now we wait...they said I am a ticking time bomb until my beta numbers start to decrease which may take 5-7 days. I am second guessing every twinge, every ache and wondering if we need to head to the emergency room.

I think our biggest frustration in this is that it will be at least July now before we can do a FET...

And the icing on the cake...we were supposed to leave for our annual ski trip with the in-laws on Thursday. I don't ski so it was just going to be a relaxing week for me and I was really looking forward to it... but Dr. J thinks it is a bad idea. We planned this whole IVF cycle around being able to take the trip we knew we would know one way or another how things had ended. We figured worse case scenario was that we couldn't go becuase I was pregnant and needed bed rest or something...we never imagined we would have to cancel the trip becuase of this...

The List

I have been thinking the past few days how I can put my feelings about the last couple of weeks into words. I am obviously heartbroken about this loss. Since this is my first miscarriage, I can't say how I would have felt if this had happened before but I think I was more attached to this little guy since I knew so much about him and even SAW him three weeks ago. We named him, he was Fred. I still have no idea how my husband came up with that name, and it wouldn't have been his name if he had been a boy but he still had a name...just like Jr. was munchkin until the day he was born. Yesterday, I wrote "Fred D-day" on my calendar on November 5 even though I'm sure I won't need the reminder. Then I started to wonder where I will be on November 5. Will I be pregnant? How many more cycles will we have tried by then? What will have happened to my 4 frozen babies?

I will miss him. I will miss the idea of him. I will miss the food aversions that he made me have. I will miss the twinges that made me know he was there. I will miss worrying if he is alright. I will miss W talking to him...but I will never forget him.

As far as moving on, I feel like I am left with one huge positive and one huge negative about my fertility future...

POSITIVE: I got pregnant. In the last 21 months of trying, I have never made it that far. I truly feel that the IVF was a success, it was the pregnancy that was the failure. This gives me hope for the future...more hope than I had a few months ago when we decided to move on to IVF.

NEGATIVE: I feel like I have a list of failures. I have a list of how many cycles I have tried over the past 5 years, the number of negative cycles and how many treatments have failed but something I have never had to add to my list is a miscarriage. Now I have one more way in which I have failed...

Post IVF/Pregnancy Loss Consult

This afternoon, W and I went in for our consult with the RE. We were totally viewing this as a Post IVF consult but they were viewing it as a pregnancy loss consult. i think the difference in opinion shows how I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I was ever actually pregnant. Dr. J kept going on and on about how he knew we weren't ready to talk about the next step, but we were. I think that is our coping strategy is figuring out what to do next and knowing that although this little baby didn't make it, we have 4 more ready to go.

So here are the key points from today
- Dr. J is 95% sure the miscarriage was caused my genetic abnormality but is going to run the immune tissue labs tomorrow to rule that out

- We can't start on the BCP until I get a real period which could be anywhere between 3 - 6 weeks from now. That range unfortunately means that our FET could get pushed back to JUNE!! We had really been hoping for May (we were never planning on April since we are heading out of town for 9 days in a couple of weeks).

- As far as the number of eggs, Dr. J said that if we needed to do another fresh cycle, he would probably do everything the same but would up the Hcg to try to mature a few more.

- my four frozen babies are frozen in 3 sets, two are individual and two are together. We were very happy about that since we are leaning towards only transferring one again.

Overall, I think it was a good appointment. I'm glad we got in so quick so we can move on and start thinking about the future instead of dwelling on the past.

Beta #5: The Beta that didn't happen

Originally I was supposed to go in at 7:30 for my beta this morning but after Friday's results and they rescheduled my consult with the doctor they said I could wait and have it done at 3 when I was there for the other appointment since waiting until Tuesday for the results wasn't a big deal at this point.

Before the beta story though, I went off my meds on Friday afternoon and starting having light spotting on Saturday and Sunday. This morning I woke up with heavier bleeding that seemed to have small clots in it and maybe a little tissue.

The wierd thing is that I took a pregnancy test this morning, my first since Friday morning and it was the darkest one I have had yet...the line was even darker than the control line.

So with all the bleeding, I knew this was definitely over (I haven't had any of the pregnancy feelings since Thursday) but was VERY curious about what my beta was. I went in for my test and consult and 4 attempts later, the nurse still hasn't had any luck getting a good vein and gives up! I have to go back tomorrow morning for them to try again. I felt bad for the nurse since she felt so awful! I know I'll have some pretty new bruises to add to the ones I already have. I really wish I didn't have to do this all the way back to 0, I'd love a little break from the needles!!

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a number for you...

Beta #4: The beginning of the end...

209

Although it did rise, it obviously wasn't enough. They told me to go off the progesterone and let things take their course. If it was only the number I might still try to tell myself that there is still a chance but last night I had some spotting and today my "pregnant" twinges went away and the normal pre-period cramping started.

So those are the physical facts, I'm still processing the emotional...I'm sure that post is coming soon. However for now, I am going to turn off the computer, eat some chocolate cake and and have a pity party with my husband.

The "P" word

I can't make myself say it. Despite the fact that my HCG levels may be less than stellar, I am "technically" pregnant...but there is no way I can say that outloud. I have put up a wall...a huge wall of protection that is guarding me from getting attached to the idea that this could actually work out. At this current moment, I have more reasons to be hopeful that doubt...1) my numbers are rising at a fairly steady pace 2) I don't have any bleeding or cramping and 3) I feel EXACTLY the same way I felt at this point with Jr. (tired, lots of twinges in "down there" and food aversions). The only thing not going my way is that the numbers started off extremely low.
Tomorrow, I have an acupuncture appointment. I know the first thing he will say when he walks in that room is, "well??" And I don't know what I'll say, probably "I don't know" followed by my explanation of how I'm trying to set a record for the most betas.
I have an eye appointment tonight and am supposed to get my eyes dilated. I know I need to tell her about my current situation to make sure I get the "safe" meds, but can I make those words come out of my mouth. I feel like a poser.

I'm not really pregnant...I just have HCG in my system...how long will I continue to tell myself that before I let the wall crumble down???

Beta #3

150

So I more than doubled again. All they are telling me is that they will continue to watch me very closely, so tomorrow is Beta #4.

Beta #2

50.3

So the number is obviously going up however it may be going up too fast...

I new my score would be a little higher since I have been POAS every day and my line was getting darker.

They are still very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy so i will be going in for another beta on Wednesday and probably an ultrasound on Friday.

Today the nurse actually mentioned the "v" word...possible viable pregnancy...but I can't let myself consider that yet...

However, what I can no longer deny, I am pregnant. I may not be tomorrow, but I am today...

Beta #1

11.9

So as the nurse said..."techinically" I'm pregnant but it's more than likely either an eptopic or on it's way out. I have to go back in on Monday to see where things are.

I feel like this is a really hard place to be...the results aren't looking good at all for this to be a viable pregnancy but neither do I have closure to put this cycle behind me and move on. The fact that on Wednesday I thought I had no chance and starting the mourning process really helps - I already thought this was a lost cause.

However, I am trying to look at the positive side of all of this that I obviously made it farther than I thought I did...maybe my body wasn't "quite" ready for this pregnancy but in another month or two it will be all set!

I did make W stop on the way home tonight to buy more pregnancy tests so I can analyze lines or lack thereof all weekend...I really think reading pregnancy tests should be an Olympic sport :)

Rollercoaster

I am waiting...waiting for the phone to ring...waiting to find out what twist and turn is going to happen next.

Wednesday was a rough day. I took the test, it was negative, and we began the mourning process. Thursday I was better and was just ready for Friday's beta so I could go off the meds and take a break for a few weeks before we start thinking about doing a frozen transfer.

But...it's never that easy...

This morning I decided to POAS before I left for my beta. I instantly saw the control line and nothing else so I got dressed and then just before I threw it in the trash, I looked one more time and there was an EXTREMELY faint line. My husband, who has not spent the amount of time looking at these that I have, said there wasn't a line and that is was just showing where the line was supposed to be...but that just proves that there WAS a line.

Soooo...I went in for my test... told her about the different tests and said I had no idea if i was or wasn't. She stayed pretty neutral and said she would call at 3:00.

I had a friend of mine come over who has spent a LOT of time pouring over pregnancy tests and she said that I definitely have a trace of HCG in my system but agreed that it wasn't much. I can't feel good about a possible pregnancy because I don't feel like my number is high enough for anything to last. I just feel like this just might drag on for a few days longer just to end badly.

Well, it's 1:49...71 minutes to wait...at least I have all of your blogs to keep my busy while Jr. takes a nap...

The glass was half empty :(

Negative

I know I said I wasn't going to test until Thursday but I woke up this morning bleeding. I talked it over with W and we decided to go ahead and test so if it was positive I could call and see if I needed to increase my progesterone. The test was absolutely and completely negative. There were lots of tears...even from W who holds himself together very well. Luckily Jr. and i had a class this morning so that kept my mind off things for awhile but now it's nap time and I'm just sitting in my quiet house feeling sorry for myself.

So I will stay on my meds until Friday's Beta but I am currently enjoying a Diet Coke since as far as I'm concerned, it is over.

7dp 5dt

Waiting...waiting is horrible!! I told myself that the earliest I could POAS is Thursday (beta scheduled for Friday). I only let myself buy 2 so that's one for Thursday and one for Friday. However, I'm not really anxious to take one because at least now I can live in this dreamworld that I MIGHT be pregnant...once I take the test...I'm back to reality.

I thought I would be in this hopeful state...loving being "a little pregnant." But instead, I think all of the emotions that I ignored for the past few weeks while I was busy with appointments, shots, etc. are suddenly catching up to me.

Throughout the past year and a half I have handled the bad news pretty well, but now I'm worried, if this doesn't work...how will I react??

Retrieval and Transfer Take 3

I wish I knew what was wrong with my blog but I have written about my retrieval twice and my transfer once and it keeps disappearing so I got smart..I'm typing this in Word and am going to cut and paste...then if it disappears I can try again without retyping.

The bad thing in all of this is that the story gets shorter each time so you are now getting the abbreviated version...

Tuesday, Feb 9
Had an ultrasound and there were 16 follicles over 12!! 8 of them were over 18. The US tech was positive that they would have me trigger that day pending anything crazy in my bloodwork. The bad part of the day was the very painful blood draw. I have very small veins and the blood draws are very difficult for me. Luckily, I handle it pretty well and don't even mind all the bruises too much. Well Tuesday, they tried a different spot since all my normal ones were pretty bruised from all the recent draws. It bubbled up and after getting about half the amount they needed, they had to pull out the needle. I ended up with a huge bruise that lasted a week. Then when they switched to my other wrist, I suddenly got light headed and came close to passing out. That has never happened to me!! yah to the end of daily blood draws!!

The nurse called me a few hours later and gave me the go ahead to trigger at 5:30 and we were to report for retrieval at 6 on Thursday morning.

Thursday, Feb 11
We were up at 4 and headed to get our eggs!! We had about 45 minutes of instructions, blood pressure, etc and then I was headed back. The last thing I remember is them checking my ID band and when I woke back up I was back in our recovery room. When we got our number I was pretty disappointed that we only got 8. I know that 8 is a pretty good number and that a lot of people would love that number but what concerned me was that we went from 16 good follicles to only 8 eggs. I went home and slept most of the rest of the day. I wasn't too sore and really only felt anything if I started to overdo it, pick up JR. etc.

Friday, Feb 12
I was all ready to spend the day fretting about the fertilization report so I was THRILLED when I got the call at 8:30. Of the 8 eggs, 7 were mature enough to fertilize and all 7 were showing signs of growth. YAH!!! I felt so much better about things. They said they would call on Saturday about if we would transfer on Sunday or Tuesday.

Saturday, Feb 13
Got the call around noon that we are a DAY 5 transfer :)

Monday, Feb, 15
We spent HOURS going back and forth between putting in 1 or 2 embryos and if we would be willing to freeze if there was only 1 embryo to freeze. We went through every possible scenario and what we thought we would do but went to bed without being 100% sure.

Tuesday, Feb 16
We left the house about 6, took my valium and started drinking my water at 7 and got to the office at 7:15. They took us back right away and we immediately met with the embryologist. They said we had two embryos that were BBs and we were on the border of whether to transfer 1 or 2. That we should start thinking about it and our doctor would be in later to talk to us about it. As far as the other 5, there were 3 that they were still considering for freezing but they wouldn't know for sure until the next day. We discussed our concern about freezing 1 and she brought up a point that we honestly hadn't thought of before. SHe talked about how if we only froze one we could do another fresh cycle next time and then if there were only 1 or 2 left to freeze from that batch we could combine the two for a more successful transfer. So we started the discussion again. We were a little disappointed that the embryos were Bs instead of As and in our mind felt that that would probably bump us to 2. But when our doctor came in, he made such a good case for 1 (I had one child with little assistance, twins would be a lot harder for us when we already have one child, and we run the risk of splitting and having even more than 2). He reminded me that we had a better chance of this working becuase of JR. and that since I have decent insurance converage doing more cycles is a good option for us. So we transferred one of the little guys (we named him Fred). We paid the $850 to put the other BB on ice and they told us we would hear tomorrow about the other 3. I went home and was a very successful couch potato. Without Jr. around, I took advantage of being able to watch TV and watched a lot of 16 and pregnant. I figured maybe they could give me some pointers!!

Wednesday, Feb 17
I got the call from the lab during my acupuncture appointment that all 3 of the other embryos they were watching made it to freeze so now we have 4!!!

So now we wait...my beta is next Friday!!

Follicle Update

Things are moving along on my ovaries...

As of this morning, I had 14 follicles over 12 and 2 over 18. My E2 levels were about 1900.

Everything so far is looking great. I have a nice number of follicles that are growing together for the most part, my Estrogen levels are rising appropriately, my ovaries aren't bothering me, so why do I keep feeling like something is going to go wrong?? I wish I was better at having a positive outlook.

The way things stand now we will be doing the retrieval on Thursday or Friday.

I had a cocktail tonight...

...a drug cocktail...

Guiliana & Bill

Does anyone else watch this reality show? I started watching from the beginning last fall because I LOVE Bill Rancic from the Apprentice. So I thought I would watch..I thought it was a cute show but this season I am becoming addicted. While I don't wish infertility on anyone, I'm finding it refreshing to see someone actually embrace it and be willing to not only talk about it but show the world some of what is involved. For instance, last week's episode ended with her getting an HSG. I feel like the editing of the show does an HSG justice while still explaining it in simple terms for anyone who doesn't know the jargon or the procedures to understand. I just think that if there were more shows like this on TV, infertility would be so much better understood by the general public and there would be a more open forum to discuss it.

routine...

I never realized until today how much I love routine at my RE's office. The doctor I see is part of a large practice and there are 8 or 10 sites. The office I go to is one of the smaller ones so there is only one ultrasound tech and two nurses. Because of that, I know exactly what to expect when I go in...until today. This morning I went in for my ultrasound just to make sure everything was quiet and found out my US tech was on vacation. I'm sure the sub was perfectly competent but she was different. I'm used to carrying on a conversation when I'm getting undressed behind the curtain and this lady left the room. Then when I was all set to get into position the angle of the bed was different and I didn't fit right on it. Finally, when she was doing the ultrasound itself, my usual tech always tells me exactly what she is looking at and shows me. This lady just said, "looks great" and never showed me anything. I realize there wasn't much to see today but it did make me realize how much I appreciate that normally I don't have to worry about change and everything is the same...it makes everything easier. I did sneak a peak at the calendar hanging on the wall and was happy to see that today was the last day of my usual tech's vacation and she will be back for Tuesday's ultrasound...yippee!!!

This afternoon after they got my labs back I got the greenlight to drop my lupron down to 5 units tomorrow and start my bravelle and menopur. I have a girls night out tomorrow night so I hope the mixing and injection go well so I can enjoy my night out. I have a feeling it will be my last one for awhile.

IVF cycle #1 Day 17

ok, I know days don't really matter at this point but I don't have a creative bone in my body this afternoon...so you get the boring title.

Anyway, things are pretty quiet here. I finished the BCPs on Saturday and I've done 5 days of Lupron. Ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday and then we'll start stims. So I'm going to lie low and enjoy my last quiet week for awhile.

Clueless

When we were TTC the first time, we told my in-laws within the first few months. They wanted to plan a family vacation for a year into the future and we felt that we should tell them that we probably wouldn't be available for the trip. It turns out that we were not only available...we weren't even pregnant when that trip was supposed to take place. I really regretted spilling the beans for several reasons. 1) She made some very insensitive comments 2) I felt like she was ALWAYS trying to figure out if I was pregnant 3) and she can't keep a secret. After Jr. was born she kept making comments about how everything was perfect now that he was here. While things were great, infertility changed me. I finally blurted my feelings out one day and told her that despite having a wonderful son, the pain was still there and I didn't want to go back there and talk about it. She didn't bring up my infertility for 2 years. When we started trying the second time we didn't tell them. When we started treatment again, we really could have used the babysitting help but I just wasn't ready to go there. While still at my ob/gyn, Jr went with me and when we switched to the RE, I scheduled super early appointments before W went to work or had friends help me out. When we realized we were headed to IVF we realized we were going to have to break down and ask for help and "spill the beans."
I could go on for pages about "the talk" itself but it went ok. My MIL had lots of questions and I thought we had them answered. We tried to explain the IUIs but I know she really doesn't understand what that was about becuase she keeps making comments about W needed to "make his deposit" for the IVF. She doesn't understand that he has become quite the pro at that. I realized today, that she definitely has NO idea what is going on or has been going on. On my way to my saline ultrasound I dropped Jr. off at her house. She was asking me what the appointment was for and when I told her she asked if that was "internal." When I said "yes" she acted like this must be the worst thing in the world. How does she not understand that every ultrasound has been internal and every IUI (9 total since we did 2 most cycles) has not only been internal but involved a catherter?? I have tried talking, explaining, giving her books on the upccoming IVF but if she doesn't even understand that everying is "internal" I think this is a lost cause.
I normally wouldn't care if she understood or not, but since she insists on talking about it ALL the time now...I'd like it do at least be a productive conversation without insensitive remarks...am I asking too much??
Just wait until I write about my family...

Lupron and a Saline Ultrasound

It has been a busy couple of days on the infertility front. Tuesday, our big box of drugs showed up at our house and we were missing the Lupron that I was supposed to start on Wednesday. Luckily, the pharmacy has been great and we had the Lupron at ourhouse by 8:45 the next morning. I have done two shots now so far so good. The injection shot was a little itchy each time for about an hour after the shot but if that's the only problem, I can handle that. Also on Wednesday I started my antibiotic for my saline ultrasound that was this morning. I'm still not sure how I have made it through 4 years of infertility without having to do one but it was of course required for the IVF.
I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I'm a little weary of any procedure after I had such a bad reaction to my first HSG. My doctor is out this week so I had to go to a different clinic and see a different doctor. The doctor I saw was young, and my first thought was that I was glad she wasn't the one making decisions about my life. I then immediately felt awful for that. When I was teaching, especially my first few years, I hated when parents prejudged me for being young. I was putting in 12 hour days and I was just out of college with the latest ideas and research. I'm definitely not saying I was better than a seasoned teacher but I don't think I brought a new perspective to the table. Ok, done with that soapbox. The young, doctor did an awesome job with everything. I hardly felt anything and had very minimal cramping during the ultrasound. I did have some cramping afterwards but I was lucky enough to squuze in a nap this afternoon and felt fine afterwards. The great news is that everything looked great and we have passed the final hurdle.

Nurse Consult

This morning was our Nurse consult at IVF clinic. Although we are staying with the same practice, we had to go a little further from home for this consult (as well as the retrieval and transfer). Luckily all my monitoring will still be able to take place at the office 10 minutes from my house. But, I digress. We gave ourselves an hour and a half to get there since we would be going with rush hour traffic, got in the car, pulled out of our driveway and remembered that it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It took us 40 minutes to get there and we were 45 minutes early. Guess I could have slept for a little longer.

It looks like things are definitely a go for February. I start Lupron on Wednesday and sill start stims (Bravelle and Menopur) around the 30 or 31. Retrieval will probably fall between the 9th and 13th.

We were also able to meet with insurance. Everything there was as expected but it was great to be able to hear it from someone else instead of just what we had come up with on our own. W did have to spent about 3 hours on the phone with both the insurance company and the pharmacy when we got home but everything got worked out and we should get our meds tomorrow!! It's so hard to believe how fast this is happening.

New diet :(

Tonight I went back to the chiropractor. I hadn't been back since the night before my last IUI. He said if I wasn't pregnant he wanted to see me before I started any meds for the IVF. I wasn't able to make it in before I started the birth control but I figured a couple of days later wouldn't be a big deal.

Since I am techinically in my "rest" period right now, accupuncture in my "fertile" spots won't do any good. So he did my anxiety points and then some digestion points to help cleanse my body. He also wants my husband and I to modify our diet. Parts of it are easy...like staying away from white things and sticking to brown (pasta, rice, etc,). I am not looking foward to the part of the diet that cuts out dairy. I am a big milk drinker so that will be really hard. But I am willing to give anything a try, if it helps. Has anyone done a similar diet in preparation of IVF?

on our way...

I got my period on Saturday so I went in yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I go in Monday for protocol, dates and to sign all the paperwork. I also have to have a saline ultrasound on Wednesday since I have never had one before (I have no idea how I have made it this far without having to have one). I start BCPs tonight. When I talked to the nurse yesterday it sounds like we will made it in time for a February retrieval/transfer but we will find out for sure on Monday.

Moving on...

Pregnancy test was negative...IVF here we come...