The List

I have been thinking the past few days how I can put my feelings about the last couple of weeks into words. I am obviously heartbroken about this loss. Since this is my first miscarriage, I can't say how I would have felt if this had happened before but I think I was more attached to this little guy since I knew so much about him and even SAW him three weeks ago. We named him, he was Fred. I still have no idea how my husband came up with that name, and it wouldn't have been his name if he had been a boy but he still had a name...just like Jr. was munchkin until the day he was born. Yesterday, I wrote "Fred D-day" on my calendar on November 5 even though I'm sure I won't need the reminder. Then I started to wonder where I will be on November 5. Will I be pregnant? How many more cycles will we have tried by then? What will have happened to my 4 frozen babies?

I will miss him. I will miss the idea of him. I will miss the food aversions that he made me have. I will miss the twinges that made me know he was there. I will miss worrying if he is alright. I will miss W talking to him...but I will never forget him.

As far as moving on, I feel like I am left with one huge positive and one huge negative about my fertility future...

POSITIVE: I got pregnant. In the last 21 months of trying, I have never made it that far. I truly feel that the IVF was a success, it was the pregnancy that was the failure. This gives me hope for the future...more hope than I had a few months ago when we decided to move on to IVF.

NEGATIVE: I feel like I have a list of failures. I have a list of how many cycles I have tried over the past 5 years, the number of negative cycles and how many treatments have failed but something I have never had to add to my list is a miscarriage. Now I have one more way in which I have failed...