Thursday, March 4, 2010

The "P" word

I can't make myself say it. Despite the fact that my HCG levels may be less than stellar, I am "technically" pregnant...but there is no way I can say that outloud. I have put up a wall...a huge wall of protection that is guarding me from getting attached to the idea that this could actually work out. At this current moment, I have more reasons to be hopeful that doubt...1) my numbers are rising at a fairly steady pace 2) I don't have any bleeding or cramping and 3) I feel EXACTLY the same way I felt at this point with Jr. (tired, lots of twinges in "down there" and food aversions). The only thing not going my way is that the numbers started off extremely low.
Tomorrow, I have an acupuncture appointment. I know the first thing he will say when he walks in that room is, "well??" And I don't know what I'll say, probably "I don't know" followed by my explanation of how I'm trying to set a record for the most betas.
I have an eye appointment tonight and am supposed to get my eyes dilated. I know I need to tell her about my current situation to make sure I get the "safe" meds, but can I make those words come out of my mouth. I feel like a poser.

I'm not really pregnant...I just have HCG in my long will I continue to tell myself that before I let the wall crumble down???

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