Two years ago today was cycle day 1 of our first cycle trying to conceive our second child. We started this process unbelievably hopefull. Afterall, we had figured it out. Yes, we needed intervention the first time around, but we felt like we now knew what worked and this was going to be a relatively easy process.
Since then...
Countless "timed" cycles
5 Clomid "natural cycles
3 Clomid IUI cycles
1 Clomid/injectible IUI cycle
1 fresh IVF
1 ectopic pregnancy
and WAY too many ultrasounds, blood draws and injections!!
However, through it all, I am still optimistic. Maybe not as much as I was two years ago...and maybe more than I was a year ago...but it is there...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
We have a date!!
We are doing our frozen transfer on July 13!! I have started back on the pill and am awaiting the rest of my instructions. I only have to have 2 ultrasounds/appointments before the transfer....can it be this easy???
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Why I'm good :)
So in my last post, I told you things were good and I was going to tell you why...three weeks later I am finally sitting down to do that!! Before I go on, I do want to warn some of you that this post is going to talk more about Jr than I normally do and if you just aren't in that place right now...stop reading.
It has been three months since my retrieval and transfer and a little over two months since my second dose of methotrexate. Since then, life here has been wonderful.
When I found out that we were going to have to take a 3 month TTC break I had 3 goals.
1) Focus on my family
2) Lose some weight
3) Be Happy
I feel like I have accomplished these three things and so much more.
Physically - I feel great. I have only lost 5 pounds but I look like I have lost about 15. I had to buy some new clothes and am getting lots of compliments about weight loss. I have my energy back. I can sleep again. It's amazing what happens when you take a few months off of hormone packed drugs. And sorry if this is TMI but my sex drive is back and life in the bedroom has been great. This one I credit to not only the lack of drugs but also for the first time in almost 2 years, sex got to be about fun and not making a baby.
Emotionally - I AM HAPPY!! I am now able to confirm that my anxiety attacks and stress were in large part because of the drugs and the stress of too many doctor appointments. This realization is so important to me becuase I know that I am going to be OK. I was getting so nervous about what long term effects this was all going to have on me but now I see when I pull myself out of the situation I am fine.
Family - We are happy!! For the first time in a long time, my husband and I are focusing 100% on the child we do have instead of losing some of that focus to the children we don't have. I know that the last several months were hard on my son whether he knew it or not and he definitely didn't understand it. But now he has a happy mommy and a calm mommy. The biggest revelation of all though has been that if I never have another child...I will be happy and my family will be happy. We don't need this to be happy. The past two months have proven that to us.
And now that you are all ready to throw up from reading about my happiness, let me just say that i know how fortunate I am and not everyone is in a place to have these feelings. I know that I have a wonderful little boy and I probably would not be as happy about my family if he weren't a part of it. Second, yes I took a break but I am going back to 4 great frozen embryos and the knowledge that although my last embryo may have implanted in the wrong place...I did get pregnant and the odds are with me. If I didn't have all this to go back to, this break would have been much harder.
So for now, I am going to enjoy my last couple of weeks of freedom. We just got back from almost two weeks in Florida and I have a fabulous weekend with a girlfriend planned then it is back to work...I promise you will be hearing from me more often now... It is time to get back in the "zone"...July FET here we come!!
It has been three months since my retrieval and transfer and a little over two months since my second dose of methotrexate. Since then, life here has been wonderful.
When I found out that we were going to have to take a 3 month TTC break I had 3 goals.
1) Focus on my family
2) Lose some weight
3) Be Happy
I feel like I have accomplished these three things and so much more.
Physically - I feel great. I have only lost 5 pounds but I look like I have lost about 15. I had to buy some new clothes and am getting lots of compliments about weight loss. I have my energy back. I can sleep again. It's amazing what happens when you take a few months off of hormone packed drugs. And sorry if this is TMI but my sex drive is back and life in the bedroom has been great. This one I credit to not only the lack of drugs but also for the first time in almost 2 years, sex got to be about fun and not making a baby.
Emotionally - I AM HAPPY!! I am now able to confirm that my anxiety attacks and stress were in large part because of the drugs and the stress of too many doctor appointments. This realization is so important to me becuase I know that I am going to be OK. I was getting so nervous about what long term effects this was all going to have on me but now I see when I pull myself out of the situation I am fine.
Family - We are happy!! For the first time in a long time, my husband and I are focusing 100% on the child we do have instead of losing some of that focus to the children we don't have. I know that the last several months were hard on my son whether he knew it or not and he definitely didn't understand it. But now he has a happy mommy and a calm mommy. The biggest revelation of all though has been that if I never have another child...I will be happy and my family will be happy. We don't need this to be happy. The past two months have proven that to us.
And now that you are all ready to throw up from reading about my happiness, let me just say that i know how fortunate I am and not everyone is in a place to have these feelings. I know that I have a wonderful little boy and I probably would not be as happy about my family if he weren't a part of it. Second, yes I took a break but I am going back to 4 great frozen embryos and the knowledge that although my last embryo may have implanted in the wrong place...I did get pregnant and the odds are with me. If I didn't have all this to go back to, this break would have been much harder.
So for now, I am going to enjoy my last couple of weeks of freedom. We just got back from almost two weeks in Florida and I have a fabulous weekend with a girlfriend planned then it is back to work...I promise you will be hearing from me more often now... It is time to get back in the "zone"...July FET here we come!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Why I stayed quiet (NIAW)
First of all, sorry I haven't been around. Life is good right now (post about that coming soon) and I am enjoying having fertility (or lack there of) off my mind for a few months.
At the beginning of the week, I started a post about how I was going to handle National Infertility Awareness Week and what I might e-mail and/or post as my facebook status...I never finished it. As far as my "closet" status. When we were trying to get pregnant with Jr. we were very much in the closet. The only people who knew were out immediate families, our bosses and a couple very close friends. Once I got pregnant, I was very open about what it had taken us to conceive. Whenever I told someone I was pregnant, they got the whole story of what it took to get there. Fast forward to trying again. A couple of close friends knew from the beginning and over time more people have found out. Many people know (and several more assume) that we are again down that road...however only a very small amount of people know that we have moved on to IVF. Last year for National Infertility Awareness Week, I was super motivated to get the word out and see what the response would be on facebook and by e-mail. I sent an e-mail and posted on facebook a very generic infertility post and included some of my favorite infertility links. I got a few responses but nothing overwhelming. All year, I had thought about how I would handle the week this year...and it is Friday and I have done nothing. Do I think this week is important?? definitely...Do I think my life would be easier if everyone understood infertility better?? OH yes!! Then Why did I stay quiet??
Judgement.
Since moving on to IUIs and IVFs, I have had two critics. One from within my family and one close friend. These people both base their critisism on the beliefs of the Catholic Church. As a result, the family member has no idea about the IVF or the ectopic pregnancy (Catholic Church views use of Methotrexate to resolve an ectopic as an abortion). I made the mistake of telling my close friend about the ectopic (she knew about the IVF) and she basically told me that this was God punishing me for the IVF. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her since.
I am very at peace with our decision...so at peace that I know this is God's plan for us but I don't handle judgement and someone telling me that God doesn't want me to do this or that it is wrong. I respect people who choose that IVF is not for them but don't tell me it's not right for me.
And so I stayed quiet...
I realize i am perpetuating the problem by doing so and maybe I will work up the nerve to post something before the end of the week (I have 25 hours left).
We have this week for this very reason...and yet I am still scared of it.
At the beginning of the week, I started a post about how I was going to handle National Infertility Awareness Week and what I might e-mail and/or post as my facebook status...I never finished it. As far as my "closet" status. When we were trying to get pregnant with Jr. we were very much in the closet. The only people who knew were out immediate families, our bosses and a couple very close friends. Once I got pregnant, I was very open about what it had taken us to conceive. Whenever I told someone I was pregnant, they got the whole story of what it took to get there. Fast forward to trying again. A couple of close friends knew from the beginning and over time more people have found out. Many people know (and several more assume) that we are again down that road...however only a very small amount of people know that we have moved on to IVF. Last year for National Infertility Awareness Week, I was super motivated to get the word out and see what the response would be on facebook and by e-mail. I sent an e-mail and posted on facebook a very generic infertility post and included some of my favorite infertility links. I got a few responses but nothing overwhelming. All year, I had thought about how I would handle the week this year...and it is Friday and I have done nothing. Do I think this week is important?? definitely...Do I think my life would be easier if everyone understood infertility better?? OH yes!! Then Why did I stay quiet??
Judgement.
Since moving on to IUIs and IVFs, I have had two critics. One from within my family and one close friend. These people both base their critisism on the beliefs of the Catholic Church. As a result, the family member has no idea about the IVF or the ectopic pregnancy (Catholic Church views use of Methotrexate to resolve an ectopic as an abortion). I made the mistake of telling my close friend about the ectopic (she knew about the IVF) and she basically told me that this was God punishing me for the IVF. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her since.
I am very at peace with our decision...so at peace that I know this is God's plan for us but I don't handle judgement and someone telling me that God doesn't want me to do this or that it is wrong. I respect people who choose that IVF is not for them but don't tell me it's not right for me.
And so I stayed quiet...
I realize i am perpetuating the problem by doing so and maybe I will work up the nerve to post something before the end of the week (I have 25 hours left).
We have this week for this very reason...and yet I am still scared of it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
zero!!!
We finally made it!! I had my 12th beta yesterday and we are finally down to zero!! It has been a over a month since they told me this pregnancy wasn't viable and over three weeks since my first methotrexate shot to resolve the extopic but we finally made it...this is over!
We have to use protection until June 18 because the methotrexate can cause birth defects if I were to get pregnant on my own. Luckily since I am doing a frozen cycle next I can go ahead and start the birth control pills the beginning of June and still do a July transfer instead of having to wait until after June to start anything.
So for the next couple of months I will be hormone free and not be worrying about weather or not I'm pregnant...I'm actually really looking forward to it. We have a trip to Florida planned in May (to make up for our cancelled ski trip), a family wedding to attend and in a few days I am leaving for a weekend in Boston with some girlfriends. June is going to be here before I know it!!
I probably won't be posting as often over the next couple of months since I'm actually hoping to try to forget I'm infertile during this time but I promise I will still be reading all of your blogs and sending everyone positive thoughts!!
We have to use protection until June 18 because the methotrexate can cause birth defects if I were to get pregnant on my own. Luckily since I am doing a frozen cycle next I can go ahead and start the birth control pills the beginning of June and still do a July transfer instead of having to wait until after June to start anything.
So for the next couple of months I will be hormone free and not be worrying about weather or not I'm pregnant...I'm actually really looking forward to it. We have a trip to Florida planned in May (to make up for our cancelled ski trip), a family wedding to attend and in a few days I am leaving for a weekend in Boston with some girlfriends. June is going to be here before I know it!!
I probably won't be posting as often over the next couple of months since I'm actually hoping to try to forget I'm infertile during this time but I promise I will still be reading all of your blogs and sending everyone positive thoughts!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Time
I am less than two months away from my 2 year TTC anniversary. To a non-Iffer that may seem like a really long time but it really seems like it has gone quickly and I know I may have years ahead of me of trying. However a couple of days ago I realized how much can happen in those two years. A facebook friend just announced that she was 4 months pregnant with baby #2. My first thought was wow that was fast...baby #1 won't be one until June but then I realized just how much she has done since I started TTC
begining of June 08 - I start TTC
July 08 - friend gets married
June 09 - baby #1 born
April 10 - 4 months pregnant #2
In less than two years she has gotten married, gotten pregnant, had a baby and is now pregnant again...maybe two years is longer than I thought...
begining of June 08 - I start TTC
July 08 - friend gets married
June 09 - baby #1 born
April 10 - 4 months pregnant #2
In less than two years she has gotten married, gotten pregnant, had a baby and is now pregnant again...maybe two years is longer than I thought...
Beta #11...almost done
Well this is several days late but...down to a 5.5!! They told me that if I got my period in the next week then I didn't even have to come back for another test...but today is Monday and my appointment is tomorrow morning so I think I have to go back:(
I'm feeling great! My energy is back and this is the best I've felt in months!! As a result I know I'm behind on reading/commenting on all of your lives since I have been spending my time away from the computer. We had had awesome weather and all I want to do is get outside and be active!! We also hosted Easter over the weekend so that has kept me away from the computer as well but hopefully you will all be hearing from me soon!
I'm feeling great! My energy is back and this is the best I've felt in months!! As a result I know I'm behind on reading/commenting on all of your lives since I have been spending my time away from the computer. We had had awesome weather and all I want to do is get outside and be active!! We also hosted Easter over the weekend so that has kept me away from the computer as well but hopefully you will all be hearing from me soon!
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